I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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