I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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