she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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