I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
