The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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