he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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