he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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