I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
