since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
