when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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