just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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