And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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