I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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