Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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