i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
