just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
