It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
