My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
