dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
