I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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