I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
