Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
