there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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