I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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