did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
