I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
