he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just had sex on a roof
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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