____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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