and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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