Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
