remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
