Porn is love you can see.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize