well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
