Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
