Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
