Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
