I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
