wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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