I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
