You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
