Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
