im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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