Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
