the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My cat gives me a boner
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
