stop calling my apartment porn island.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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