My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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