matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
