My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
