What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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