Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
