Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
