I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
