just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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