Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
