She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
