My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
