It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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