Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
