Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
