I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
