Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
