I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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